So Long.

 if this post has been published, it means, i'm saying good bye to my feelings for real.

it all started with a short message as a respond to one of my whatsapp stories. it was written..

"Pau"

so the 19 years old me was feeling curious as we were not close nor we had ever talked to each other regarding any non important matters before this hence to receive such message from him was.... bizzare. Pau is a type of food which is in round shape and usually in white colour. the reason why he sent such word was because he was relating it to the old chubby little me. i remember i talked about this matter to my roommate with an irritating voice as the mindset which i wanted her and the people around me to have about me when it comes to this matter would be

"she hates him because he's arrogant"

indeed he was (actually) due to one incident which involves him and a close friend of mine. little did they know, i had feeling for him during our first meeting which took place in one of our orientation days. it was not a surprise for me to have a crush on him mainly because he has the chinese look hence initially i thought hes a chinese. sadly we were then informed that hes a malay but surprisingly my feelings did not vanish. knowing how my heart works, i knew i might end up being close to him because by nature, i would always try my best to make sure i would have more reasons to keep in touch with my crushes (and at that moment, i had a crush on him, only) but i never expected us to be bestfriends. we got close firstly because we were in the same gang. but as time passed by, since for most of the time only the 2 of us would usually spend time together hence the both of us got even closer. we walked to classes  together, we ate together, we spent our weekends together, we studied at the library until late night together, we went out for dinner together, we joined events together, we organised an event together as the Director and Vice Director, we bought our monthly/weekly groceries together, we broke fast together, literally all activities during our degree life.. we did it TOGETHER.

it was not an easy journey for me, obviously. especially when you know you have been having feelings for him and spending more time with him would surely lead to its growth. from crush to like to love and.... lastly would be.. pure love? idk... imagine, for every single second i would need to keep the feelings i had to myself and not wanting him to know because i truly treasure the bestfriend-ship we had. there were times when i cried so hard because i had to deal with unnecessary jealousy whenever i found out there were girls who admire him and been giving hints too. there were also times when i had to swallow the pain as he was talking about the girls whom he had a crush on. it was hard. it was awful. i desperately wanted to breakfree from the feelings i had so that i could keep our bestfriend-ship healthy. i wanted to run away but i know i cant, i couldnt. for the first time in my entire life, i fell for someone deeply to the point none of his weaknesses could literally stop me from loving him. at all.

if you were to ask me

"what is so good about him until you cant get over him?"

honestly, i have no answer for that. i am not saying that he is a bad person. no, he was never. he was a dear bestfriend of mine. he took care of me. he cared for me. he made sure i was in class whenever i was late. he bought me food when i forgot to eat. he bought me medicine when i was severely ill. he accompanied me to wherever i go. he listened to all of my stories and rants attentively. he corrected me when i was wrong. he accepted me for who i am. he gave me the attention i wanted whenever i was at my lowest, he was there when i had my first car accident and the list goes on and on. he was the best, he is the best. but the thing that many failed to know was, despite all of his good sides, still.. we fought a lot. i would say for almost every week, we would surely argue for at least twice over petty things. i wont put the blame on him because it was a tough situation for the both of us. i mean, we do not share the same personality (i am an extrovert whilst he's an introvert), we came from different backgrounds, we do not share the same mindset for many topics too etc.

i know people normally say that

"opposite attracts"

but i guess it doesnt work that way for the both of us. the fact that we fought frequently and we even had to put distance from one another for us to 'heal' before getting back to each other.. it hurts, a lot. calling ourselves "bestfriends" but sometimes our actions portrayed the otherwise. words cannot describe how many times we suffered from this bestfriend-ship. weirdly, none of us wanted to say goodbye knowing how challenging the journey has been.. we still pushed ourselves to stick to each other, we clung to each other to the extent we would constantly update our whereabouts so that both are aware of what are our activities throughout the day. i know at this moment you will find this.... unacceptable. i mean,

'the two of you are only bestfriends and such action would only be done by couples, not bestfriends'

true, indeed. but truth to be told. all of our actions would usually be done by couples. imagine, we contacted everyday, we hung out everyday, we spilled our problems to each other everyday, we needed each other every. single. day. in fact, we even waited each other after class so that we could head back to our respective rooms together everyday. and if we were to fail in doing any of those, we would have the thought of

'oh shit, she/he is not okay today. i guess i did something wrong'

this is absolutely unhealthy and bestfriends do not do this kind of thing. bestfriends are usually very transparent, not overly attached but will always be there whenever you need him/her. not gonna lie, i was confused. i was honestly confused about many things. imagine, i had feelings in me which i have been keeping for years, it was the craziest rollercoaster ride - of me behaving like a normal bestfriend when deep down i loved him. also, when he kept treating me as if i'm his but his words would always be

"you're my bestfriend. i could never have feelings for my own bestfriend"

at this point,  many of you would think that i'm stupid. i should have just confessed. i should not stick to him for so long because i'm wasting my time yada yada.. to cut it short, last year, on 17th December 2020 was the day i finally decided to confess. i got tired of everything, i wouldnt wanna suffer even more which explains the determination i had in me in wanting to breakfree. i didnt mind about losing him nor the bestfriendship we had for 3 years. all i knew, i wanna let go. for real.

surprisingly, things did not go as planned haha.

i confessed, he confessed, we got together for 2 months and a half then we broke up hahaha. breaking up was supposed to be a complete clear cut between us but we refused to choose that route. silly us, we told each other that we were okay to lose ourselves as partners but not as bestfriends as we love our bestfriend-ship more than our relationship (so called). but we are humans, still. the fact that we broke up, it affected us specifically me in a way that i cant describe. we went on as bestfriends. we acted as if nothing had happened between us. we talked to each other daily, we went out together, we shared stories. we behaved literally the same as how we did before. but slowly i realised that my condition had gotten worse day by day. i was unhappy. my brain was begging for freedom sadly my heart insisted on staying.

until one fine day when i bravely took a decision of having a clear cut. i cut our friendship, i told him i still had feelings hence it would be completely wrong for me to treat him like how i used to as i would be in pain. it was not an easy decision. my heart died while typing each and every word, asking for a stop in everything we were doing. i was not happy but i knew i needed it. 

unfortunately.

it didnt last long as we could only brave through the period for only a week before both said sorry to each other. i gotta thank my close friends by the way whom i consulted about this matter. of why am i not feeling happy even when i have had my clear cut? of why am i feeling as if im suffering more than him? of why cant i have my freedom when the fact is i was doing all good before i met him in 2017? why? i had so many whys in mind but the words said by my friend rendered me speechless. she said,

"you're not solving the problem. he's not the problem but it's you. you are the problem. that's why making this decision hurts you even more because you're worsening the current situation"

it took me some time to figure out the real problem behind this issue. and i realised the problem was never my bestfriend but it was me. deep down i wanted more than bestfriend hence thats why i would always end up with unnecessary pain because i unintentionally had set expectations for him to reach but i knew he could never. 

ever since that day, i persuaded myself to stop having any expectations towards him and only see him as a bestfriend, not more than that. we ended up contacting each other again, we went out the next day to break fast together and reconcile. we were literally going back to square one. we talked as if nothing had happened, we exchanged stories like there's no tomorrow, we clearly enjoyed each other's company. i felt better when i had him again by my side, i felt as if everything was complete but things got worse when i received news in regards to my mom who was tested positive covid19.

the day when my dad informed my siblings and i about mommy who needed to be intubated, ventilated and supported, i failed in trying to control myself. i cried so hard and i needed someone badly for me to vent out my emotions hence i called him, the one who had witnessed all sides of me. i wept like a baby for almost 10 mins and he never failed to comfort me saying everything will be okay. i remember him saying

"everything will be okay. keep praying. always say istighfar, have faith in HIM"

those were the words which he said repeatedly so that i could feel much better. sadly, Allah loves mommy more as she passed away on the next day. as you can see, he is indeed an amazing person inside out. he was there whenever i needed someone to cry to. he was there when i needed a helping hand. he was there when i was at my lowest. he supported me when i needed it the most. he was there, literally.

but as days passed by, i know i cannot proceed. my heart was aching. i wanted to be with him but i have goals to achieve and knowing his dream girl, i know i will never be included in his list. i failed to not set any expectations for him. i failed to see him as bestfriend only. i failed, terribly. hence before he finds someone else, i need to leave. yes indeed, i'm such a selfish human being. but losing my mom was painful enough i couldnt imagine myself experiencing another loss. it would be horrible for me to handle. as a result, i decided to put distance. i set rules for myself to abide in order to remain on track. it was hard at first but i guess he could sense it hence both of us rarely contacted each other unless if there's something important for us to talk about.

my main motivation was

"ive given my best in this bestfriend-ship and i believe i'll have no regrets if this were to end for real in the near future"

recalling all the efforts and sacrifices made throughout our 4 years of bestfriend-ship, i would say that i had done more than enough. we had experienced many bittersweet moments together therefore i think this is the best time for us to let go of each other. it's the best time for me to let him go, to let these feelings go, to set myself free. i deserve all the freedom i have been wishing to have, and i wouldnt wanna be in pain anymore when it comes to love. also, i wouldnt want him to be in pain too even tho i'm pretty sure he doesnt have feelings for me.

i watched a drama recently and the hero said

"love brings pain"

it's true, love truly brings pain but we need to identify who is worth the pain - the one who will make us forget why it hurts and remember why we love him/her/them. i'm not saying that i love the wrong person and he is not worth it. he was and is and will always be a huge blessing to me. loving him for 4 years had taught me countless of valuable lessons especially in regards to relationship. he taught me patience, understanding, compassion, he taught all the skills and knowledge needed which i could never get them from the academic syllabus. most importantly, he taught me what true love is. and because of the immense love i had for him, i was in deep pain. hence the reason why i have to leave, i have to let go. i was in denial for years - of me loving him. but now i have finally accepted the fact that i have been loving him for 4 years and this is the most perfect time for me to move on and live life without him by my side.

some might disagree as they would say

"you can still remain together as bestfriends"

yes, we could. but i refused to. my heart has always been the softest when it comes to love. it's my biggest weakness, i admit. my problem is the moment i get attached to the person, my mood starts to depend on how the person treats me mainly because i notice everything, every. small. thing. hence if i were to proceed, i would end up suffering till my last breath. i need to live, with no love towards him nor anyone. it's more than enough for me to love my family and when the right time comes, the right person will approach and i shall then let my heart fall deeply. but as for now, it's better for me to be free. i would love to have nil distraction in getting my goals.

Tak Dong Kyung once said

"if you gain something, you lose something. everything you have gained in life were thanks to the things you lost. you need winter to have spring, you need darkness to have light and death must exist for life."

and to relate this quote to my life..

for the past 4 years, he was my winter, darkness and death. 

through him, i am where i am today. i went through 'winter' moments, i braved through darkness, i experienced the worst feeling ever of when he decided to end the bestfriend-ship for the silly mistake i did and i honestly thought it was the end of the world (stupid, indeed) but from all these, i guess i have grown a lot as a person. i'm a lot more wiser, stronger especially in terms of emotions and most importantly i'm getting closer to the Almighty. as for that, i'm eternally grateful for his presence for the past 4 years. the old fragile me had died and now, it's time for me to enjoy my spring, to get my light and to live life to the fullest. it's time for me to gain what i need and plan to gain in both worlds. it is time. for me lose him.

i was very clingy to him but i think i should stop and start to be totally clingy to Allah and my fate that comes to me - to go with the flow and never forced anyone to stay nor having expectations. to always trust His plans and never go overboard for something that was never confirmed in life. 4 years is a long year. i know deep down it wont be a smooth journey for me but the fact that we wont be meeting each other anymore since we have completed our degree would perhaps makes it a little bit easier than before. 

i do not know how many times i have been trying to detach myself from the love i had for him but i truly hope and pray that this will be my last. no more rants related to him, no more dealing with unnecessary emotions because of him, no more getting distracted due to his presence. no more. 4 years is more than enough, it was the craziest yet enjoyable rollercoaster ride and whoever is destined to be with him in the near future, i pray for the best in both worlds for the both of them. it's entirely my fault for not being able to look at him as my bestfriend, it is entirely my fault for having expectations for him which he could never be able to meet, it is entirely my fault as i had ruined our beautiful bestfriend-ship. but please know that i enjoyed every single second of loving you and i hope this feeling will soon be replaced with the feeling of contentment even when i do not have you by my side. 

you deserve so much more, you deserve better.

i pray for you to be happy, in both worlds.
may you get to live your dream life.
may you obtain eternal happiness,
may He grant you the highest level of Heaven.

THANK YOU for all the memories we have shared together.
it's time for us to bid farewell to each other.
for one last time..
I love you.

so long....

Love,

Greenish Moon