Oyen.

Loving is hard. I have mentioned it in my previous post (entitled So Long) that love brings pain but the pain is worth it when we love the one who deserves our everything. Yesterday I was shocked when my dad broke the news to me in regards to my very first Oyen, one of my earliest pet cats.

"i didnt see Oyen for so long. do you know where did he go?"

my dad: Oyen passed away...

I know it was hard for ayah to break the news to me because Oyen was literally one of my favourite pet cats. he was with me since the end of 2018 till now. he was there with me through all of my ups and downs. he was there to listen to all of my stories before the existence of my other pet cats. he was there for me to hug and kiss, he was there for me to bully for no reason and never once he would scratch nor be mad at me. he would let me do whatever i wanted to do and his usual respond would always be

"meowww"

Oyen is the most handsome pet cat of mine. when mommy was around, i remember i told her

"if i failed to find the right person, i'll end up marrying Oyen because he's so handsome and caring"

and my mom would normally laugh it off. 

.....

i never thought i would need to lose Oyen anytime soon. i have not fully recovered from the passing of my mom hence to deal with another pain, i cannot describe how dreadful it is. i know nothing is permanent in this world and every single thing be it living or non living things will surely leave us behind one fine day but i was not expecting it to be this fast. i miss Oyen so much that my heart hurts. i miss listening to him meowing non stop demanding for attention for every single time he saw me. i miss watching him eating and playing with his sibling, Hitam. i miss every single thing about him.

when ayah told me the news yesterday, i had the urge to go out and look at him but it was almost midnight hence ayah forbid me from doing so. therefore i waited for the next day to approach which is today but i was contemplating at first since i was afraid if i might be crying so bad as Oyen died by the roadside. but then again, i miss him so i gathered all the strength i had and visited him for one last time. i wanted to look at him before he decompose. note that we couldnt bury him mainly because he died on the spot and we only noticed it days after..... ya Allah i'm so so sorry Oyen. i'm so so sorry. i'm such a bad kakak to you, i'm sorry...

the moment i saw him earlier today, i didnt know what to feel. i felt numb but my heart was aching. you might not look the same but you are still handsome in my eyes, Oyen.. you'll forever be kakak's favourite boyfriend.

as i was staring at him lying helplessly on the ground, i started to question my existence in this world,

'whats the point of living if all of my loved ones are leaving me permanently?'

'why this life is too cruel as i am being tested continuously since 2020?'

'am i... that strong o Allah? because i think im not'

i tried my best to calm myself down but i obviously failed. i know for every single thing that had happened, there are good reasons behind it. in fact, Hazrat Inayat Khan once said

"For every loss, there's a hidden gain. And for every gain, there's a hidden loss"

this simply shows that you cant have everything that u want and need in life without losing/sacrificing something. life doesnt work that way. i do not know what will i gain after experiencing so many losses this year (my other pet cats, my mom, my Oyen), i'm praying hard that i would remain positive and remain steadfast on the right track. may Allah grant me enough patience to endure all the pain in this world because this world is a prison for the believers and a paradise for the disbelievers. i watched a video which says

"if you feel like you're living a tough life, then you're living it right. but if you find yourself feeling relaxed for most of the time, then you would need to reflect yourself and identify how to make sure you live this world in a correct manner as a muslim"

this doesnt mean that for all the tests He gave, He would want to see us suffer. but instead, as what Ustazah Yasmin Mogahed once said

"all tests are actually gifts from Him to you which helps you to elevate your level in His eyes"

Thank you, Allah.

for everything. i'm indeed the weakest of all and i pray for You to always grant me patience and strength in living my life with full of iman.

please send my love to my mom and all of my pet cats.

please reunite us in the Highest Level of Heaven.

please... tell them that i miss them.

i love them.

: i'm sorry for crying like a baby but the pain is too much for me to handle. i love you, Oyen. so so so much. and i hope you would search for me in the Highest Heaven. i hope you would ask Allah about me. kakak misses you. kakak loves you.

always.

Love,

Greenish Moon