Deep Grief, Great Love.

"when there is deep grief.. there was great love.."

i was watching a Thailand drama called 'Praomook' and there was one of the scenes when Mook (the heroine) had just lost her dad was talking to her mother and this scene had affected me emotionally. Mook is not in a good terms with her husband mainly because.... wait, i'm really bad in explaining hence i shall share the synopsis of the drama below,

"As part of a superstitious marriage to ward of bad luck, teenagers Praomook and Chalantorn are temporary married to help Chalantorn's luck. Chalantorn has always thought of Praomook as an ugly duckling and a nuisance, while she has always been in love with him.

Years later, they meet again by chance in South Korea, where Chalantorn gets shot. Believing that the misfortune is back again, his parents ask Praomook to marry him to dispel it. In exchange, they offer to buy back her father's house, which they lost due to his debt and was a burden on her. Praomook agrees to marry him, vowing to make him fall in love with her to get back at him, while Chalantorn believes she is manipulative and selfish. To get rid of her, Chalantorn pretends to be in a gay relationship with his best friend, Rut, who is attracted to Praomook and wants to win her over. 

While looking for the person who is trying to murder Chalantorn and spending their days trying to challenge each other, Praomook and Chalantorn fall into a love-hate relationship."

From the summary above you can know that Chalantorn (hero) did many things to hurt her but Mook tried her best to maintain the marriage for the sake of her father's house. but obviously, sampai tahap mana je she could withstand all the pain, all the shits Chalantron had thrown at her. Hence, the scene i mentioned earlier moved me to tears especially when her mother said

"if you cant do it, if you arent happy, you can end it. i wont blame you"

"when it's time to make a decision, you can let yourself come first. dont neglect your own happiness"

it hurts me a lot because i miss my mom. i remember whenever i was dealing with a problem, she would be the first person whom i would turn to, the first person whom i would call and spill everything, the first person who listens to me crying like a baby seeking for strength, the first person.. in everything. and the fact that mommy is not here anymore, i honestly feel like i have lost the strength in me, i have lost the energy to always be strong and stay strong. many have been persuading me, urging me to be strong but do they know how hard it is? do they know how hard am i struggling to stay strong? do they know how every single day i would wake up wishing everything to be a dream? i never asked to be this weak, mommy.. it is my fault that i depend too much on you for 22 years, 11 months and 11 days of living in this world. but i never knew that it would be this soon that you would leave me permanently in this world...

you once told me

"my health is deteriorating, i might leave anytime soon hence you have to be ready. always hold onto Him and not me. mommy hanya pinjaman sahaja"

im so so sorry o Allah.. im sorry.. i tried. i tried to be completely okay and depend on You fully but i failed... as there were times when i would cry out for mommy's name, i would search for her when nightmare approaches. im sorry... i guess im still in the first phase of grieve.. 

im still in denial...

rest well in the Highest Heaven, mommy. im looking forward to the day when we will be reunited once again. i cant wait to hug you, to spill to you about everything and most importantly, to tell you that I love you like how i always did when you were around. and for the advice you had given me which is similar as the one mentioned in the drama,

"think before you act because you can't undo what you did"

i will always bear this in mind. i pray that one fine day i will be as strong as you, someone whom i look up to in all aspects, someone who truly loves and prioritises Allah in all situations.

I love you, mommy.

forever and always <3

also, i would like to keep one of the sentences which was said by Mook that is not related to this post..

"chasing after someone who will never love you back is painful and tiring"

Love, 

Greenish Moon