23.

23 is the toughest age.

for now....

i mean...

when i thought there will be countless of rainbows after continuous storms in 2020, i ended up receiving more thunderstorms and experienced the worst in my whole life. 2021 started beautifully with my parents by my side, we celebrated new year by having a dinner at a Thailand Restaurant. i was, literally the happiest kid alive. i had my parents by my side, oh and not to forget, i was not single too. Life was good, i thought. everything went so smooth, seriously. alhamdulillah. Things started to change slowly when i had lost my dear friend, Ereyien on 17th February 2021. I cried badly as it was my very first experience of losing one of my close friends. Then.. in less than 2 weeks which is on 1st March 2021, i broke up with my special friend. next, when the new semester (my final semester for my degree life) started, it was one hell of journey as nothing was going as planned specifically for my final year project. the experiments which i conducted produced unexpected results. i cried, i did. to whom? to my mom. my one and only mommy. but then again, for every single day, i would tell myself that there's nothing to be worried about as i have my parents with me especially my mom who will listen to all of my rants, who will support and guide me till forever.

little did i know....

on 31st May 2021, Allah loves her more hence He took her away from us.. from me.

typing all these breaks my heart into million pieces. altho it has been more than a month, but it still feels like yesterday when i received text messages from my dad in regards to the deterioration of my mom's health to the point she had to be admitted to ICU. she had to be intubated, supported... Allah...

for someone who is merely 23 years old, who has not experienced the real world yet, who still thinks she is a little girl who needs constant guidance from her parents to survive this harsh world... receiving such news... is huge to be digested. upon reading those texts, i clearly went crazy hence i called my bestfriend as i felt like exploding. i cant help myself but to cry my eyeballs out. tears were running heavily on my cheeks, it was... horrible.

it did not end there.

i was in university when ayah broke the news to us. therefore i went all out in making sure i could head back home on the same day as my heart was extremely heavy. the only wish i had was

'i wanna meet mommy even if it's for the last time. please...'

alhamdulillah Allah truly helps to ease the flow, from university to home. i came back home with all kinds of negative emotions . i was anxious, i was nervous, i was in panic state, i was scared - you name it. i had them all. yes, all. long story short, the next day, my family and i had 3 video calls with my mom. The Drs and nurses who were in charge in taking care of my mom were there to help us speaking to our mom.... i could barely control myself from crying like a maniac as seeing mommy with so many tubes around her truly broke my heart into countless of pieces, i was in deep. deep. deep... pain.  we got the chance to help my mom in saying out

La'ila ha i'lallah.

ayah guided us to recite the zikr in hoping that mommy could listen to us even tho she wasnt able to speak anything. we were informed that mommy is sleeping but it was a good news for us when we were told momentarily that she shed some tears after our second video call. do u know what did i say to her during that particular video call?

"mommy... please bangun, atiq dah balik. bangun mommy, jangan tinggalkan atiq."

never in my entire life i had imagined myself saying those words anytime soon. never in my entire life i had imagined myself losing my mom at a very young age. never in my entire life i had imagined myself dealing with such heartbreaking situation. it was unbearable but the only motivation i had was

"ayah needs me. i have to be strong"

it was our third video call when my sis informed the whole family about the death of mommy and at that particular moment, i felt like my whole world was falling apart. i could not hear a word from anyone, my whole world had turned pitch black, i felt hopeless, useless, and there's no point of living in this world anymore. i have lost... my one and only mother whom i proudly call 'mommy'.

there were so many in the video call and i was never the type of person who could cry in public. normally i would cry in front of my parents or only when i am all alone in my room. this explains why i did not shed any tears upon receiving the news. i dragged myself to perform asar prayer, my mind was empty, my heart was empty.

i felt.... empty.

after i had finished praying, i knew i would need to settle many things for mommy hence in no time, i asked my sister in regards to what i would need to do since my dad and bro had to quarantine themselves and my sis was in Miri, Sarawak. ppl did not see me sobbing, they only saw me preparing myself to settle all important matters for mommy at the hospital. all they could hear was me saying

"atiq okay, jangan risau"

but do you really think that i was okay? do you really think a child who had just lost her mother is okay with such news?

no. it's a huge NO.

sadly some misunderstood my actions therefore they judged me without getting to know who i really am. it saddens me that ppl have such thought about me but i was too tired to explain myself hence i let them be. regardless, alhamdulillah even tho none of my family members (my dad, my bro and my sis) were with me, with Allah's help, I managed to settle all the documents needed and everything went so smooth. from pengecaman mayat to documentation with hospital to pengebumian mommy. alhamdulillah..

pengecaman mayat was the hardest of all. it was the first time i could finally meet my mom physically after almost 3 months of not seeing her, hugging her, kissing her cheeks, ya Allah.... our last hug was literally on 21st March 2021 and when we got to meet each other again, mommy was lying helplessly with a smile on her face. her eyes were closed, her skin was so fair, she was smiling, ya Allah mommy was so so subhanAllah, cantik! i did not get to hug her due to strict procedures hence all i could do was seeing her face whilst saying

"mommy... i'm back.. i'm here to see you.. mommy...."

"mommy tinggalkan atiq, mommy... you left me...."

i clearly could not control my tears, i failed to be okay, to act okay. i cried in front of the Drs and nurses to the point everyone was so silent and let me enjoy the moment with my mom in peace. they gave me around 5-10 minutes to look at my mom before they covered her up. to actually witness such moment - of your mom being covered fully by kain kafan from head to toe.. ya Allah i could not describe how i felt. one thing for sure,

it was HORRIBLE.

the next day was pengebumian day for mommy since on the day mommy passed away, it was full (many passed away). i was all ready to meet mommy for the last time. ayah and my bro had settled their quarantine and they could be there with me in the hospital, i. was. the. happiest. kid. alive. because i was not alone anymore. and most importantly... i felt safe as my dad was by my side. we got the chance to look at mommy for the last time, to observe the whole process of the people in charge to tayamumkan mommy and to even perform solat jenazah for mommy. i made it, i did it, i performed solat jenazah together with the people in charge, ayah, my bro and me. i was the only girl and i felt relieved as i managed to perform my last responsibility as a daughter of my mom in this filthy world. we then proceeded with the pengebumian at Tanah Perkuburan Semabok, and guess what miracle had happened?

it was raining cats and dogs in the morning but mommy's kubur was not affected at all. it was in a perfect condition wallahi, i was amazed subhanAllah. indeed, syurga tertinggi buat mommy <3

in less than a month before mommy left me permanently, she was talking about death. she knew i hated this topic because my usual statement would always be

"can we not talk about this? i could never live my life without you. atiq taknak imagine"

but this time around, she proceeded even tho i tried to stop her. one of her sentences which truly hits me hard was

"even if i were to leave this world, there's nothing you should regret because you have taken a good care of me when you're at home"

ya Allah... it was only a year of me staying at home, doing what i needed to do as a daughter. i mean to compare what i have done for her and what mommy had done for me since i was in her tummy.. sangat la sedikit. it was as if one drop of water vs the whole ocean in the entire universe...

Allahumaghfirlaha warhamha wa'afiha wa'fu'anha

i miss you mommy. i miss you so much to the point my heart hurts. i miss you so much until sometimes i cried myself to sleep. i miss you so much and none could ever understand what am i feeling for real. i know you're at a better place now, seeing the way you smile, i know that you are currently enjoying all the nikmat Allah is providing you after 52 years of living in this world. i will always pray for you, mommy. for all the sacrifices you have made, i will repay them by sending countless of prayers to you.

THANK YOU for being the best mommy to me.

THANK YOU for not giving up on me.

THANK YOU for always pushing me to strive for the best in both worlds.

THANK YOU for each and every single thing.

THANK YOU.

you deserve my best, you deserve my everything. and i pray to HIM for us (ayah, you, wa, wan and me) to be reunited in the Highest level of Jannah, Allahumma Aamiiin. 

23 is indeed the toughest age of all..

and perhaps i might deal even more tough situations in the future but i have reached a stage where i leave everything to Allah as He is the best planner of all. at the age of 23, I had lost one of my close friends, I had lost someone who was once special to me, I had to deal with challenging-most-unexpected situation related to my FYP and.. I had lost my mom. my birthday was literally 20 days after the death of mommy and for the first time in my entire life i was not excited for it. i cried when the clock strikes 12am and i ended the day with tears too. my birth giver was not with me for me to celebrate with hence i decided to save the date, save the moment till i get to meet her again in HIS Highest level of Jannah for us to re-celebrate my birthday, her birthday including ayah's, my sister's and my brother's. 

the main lesson i had learned when i had turned 23 was

APPRECIATE...

every single person and every single thing in life so that you will not deal with any regrets, in syaa Allah.

phew! my very first post which i have been wanting to write but i needed time to be okay in all aspects. i am still healing and it might take forever but as for now, i am feeling much better in syaa Allah. take care and stay safe everyone!

Love,

Greenish Moon.